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  Post #16 (permalink)   05-27-2005, 09:07 AM
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Bravery is arriving home late after a night out drinking, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
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  Post #17 (permalink)   05-27-2005, 11:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ANMMark
Bravery is arriving home late after a night out drinking, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:

Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
 
 
 


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  Post #18 (permalink)   05-27-2005, 05:48 PM
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Two guys are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't appear to be breathing.

His buddy takes out his cell phone and immediately calls 911. Gasping, he says to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

"Take it easy and calm down," the operator says in a calm voice. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's silence and then a shot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
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  Post #19 (permalink)   05-27-2005, 06:19 PM
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Another good one.

Will there be an AvidNewJokes starting up sometime in the near future?
 
 
 


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  Post #20 (permalink)   05-27-2005, 06:21 PM
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Quote:
Will there be an AvidNewJokes starting up sometime in the near future?
We already have a forum on our board called "The Funny Bone"
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  Post #21 (permalink)   06-01-2005, 03:08 PM
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Just got this in my Inbox from my grandma, so if you're offended I'll let you take it up with her

Quote:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done it.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."


So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
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  Post #22 (permalink)   06-08-2005, 12:16 PM
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1.Each time the lines on the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.

2.Occasionally, your car would die on the highway for no reason. You would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Your car would crash at least twice a day, for no reason whatsoever.

4. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, you could just borrow a friend's and copy it.

5. The air bag system would say, "Are You Sure?" before going off.

6. A single "General Car Default" warning light would replace oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights.

7. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". Of course, then you would have to buy more seats.

8. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only work on five percent of the roads.

9. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt
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  Post #23 (permalink)   06-08-2005, 02:00 PM
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Keep 'em comin' Mark!

Quote:
One day, there was a preacher. His repetitive work made him very frustrated. He decided one Sunday to take the day off. He called in sick and had the principle elder give the morning's sermon.

Up in Heaven, Jesus turned to God and said,"You're not going to let him lie and get away with this, are you?" "I guess not", God replied.

Seemingly unaffected by his decisions,the preacher decided to go golfing. On his 1st hole, he hit the golf ball like normal: very randomly. The ball suprisingly sailed effortlessly right down the middle of the fairway and rolled onto the green and into the hole for a perfect hole-in-one.

Jesus was astonished! "Why did you do that? How is he supposed to learn a lesson that way?"

God just smiled and said,"Who's he going to tell?"
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  Post #24 (permalink)   06-08-2005, 03:44 PM
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One of Microsoft's top technicians was drafted and sent off to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given instructions, a rifle and some bullets. After firing several shots at the target, the report from the target area indicated that all shots had completely missed.

Remembering what he learned at Microsoft, the technician looked at his rifle, then the target, then looked at both again. Placing his finger over the end of the rifle barrel, he squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, which prompted him to yell toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
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  Post #25 (permalink)   06-08-2005, 03:54 PM
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Love this thread, keep the jokes pouring out fellas
 
 
 


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  Post #26 (permalink)   06-08-2005, 04:13 PM
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See now that's what I love about HD. There are forums where people try to post some humor, and the post gets psychologically over anylized.

You guys can enjoy some humor without having to google each line for technical correctness, and then tearing it apart lol
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  Post #27 (permalink)   06-08-2005, 05:58 PM
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When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

haha just had to throw that one in there
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  Post #28 (permalink)   06-08-2005, 07:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dubs
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
Outlook is set to check my E-mail once every minute. Heh, I only have to check mail once in a day so it's set to once every 24hours.

And I could spit out several IP adresses (servers, routers, etc...) before I could spit out my home address.
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  Post #29 (permalink)   06-09-2005, 03:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ANMMark
2.Occasionally, your car would die on the highway for no reason. You would just accept this, restart and drive on.
And here for the last couple years I thought that was a Chrysler

PS ... Chrysler fans that are upset with that ... take a deep breath. I am just a little ticked at the one I have in my driveway
 
 
 


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  Post #30 (permalink)   06-09-2005, 07:25 AM
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Was gonna say Peter, mine's made it to Texas and back no problems. I've put nearly 30k miles on it since I got mine back in Nov. of 03. No problems with it thus far
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