Get Paid to Participate - up to $1 per post!     Twitter     Facebook     Google+
Hosting Discussion
 

Hosting Discussion > HostingDiscussion Community > General Discussion > If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines
forgot password?



Reply


Old
  Post #31 (permalink)   06-09-2005, 03:57 PM
HD Wizard
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,726

Status: webfreak08 is offline
A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"
 
 
 


Old
  Post #32 (permalink)   06-09-2005, 04:44 PM
HD Wizard
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,628

Status: ANMMark is offline
lmao. I was trying to stay away from the blonde jokes, but.... I'll start posting them.
__________________
Mark
NIC™ - Network Innovative Concepts - Get ready for R.A.I.N.
Protect your website from hackers NIC™ - SiteLock
 
 
 


Old
  Post #33 (permalink)   07-08-2005, 08:59 AM
HD Wizard
 
Exon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: IA
Posts: 1,020
Send a message via ICQ to Exon Send a message via AIM to Exon

Status: Exon is offline
Got this in my E-mail just now, thought I'd share:

Quote:
Here are the Friday Funnies, Gotta love the people for trying????? Have a wonderful weekend, and a spectacular Friday

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

.... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
__________________
John "Exon" Pinkerton
jpinkerton@exonnet.net
http://www.ExonNet.net
 
 
 


Old
  Post #34 (permalink)   07-27-2005, 11:39 AM
HD Wizard
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,628

Status: ANMMark is offline
Quote:
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
HAHA absolutely brilliant

Quote:
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
ROFLMAO! With all of these brilliant minds in the world, it's a wonder we made it out of the stone age.
__________________
Mark
NIC™ - Network Innovative Concepts - Get ready for R.A.I.N.
Protect your website from hackers NIC™ - SiteLock
 
 
 


Old
  Post #35 (permalink)   08-08-2005, 08:09 AM
HD Newbie
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: United States, California
Posts: 2
Send a message via AIM to ChrisG Send a message via MSN to ChrisG

Status: ChrisG is offline
Nice ones, funny. I like the unix one the best, but the windows one tells nothing but truth
 
 
 


Old
  Post #36 (permalink)   08-11-2005, 05:35 PM
HD Wizard
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,628

Status: ANMMark is offline
A third-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and said, "To draw out all his savings?"
__________________
Mark
NIC™ - Network Innovative Concepts - Get ready for R.A.I.N.
Protect your website from hackers NIC™ - SiteLock
 
 
 


Old
  Post #37 (permalink)   08-11-2005, 05:36 PM
HD Wizard
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,628

Status: ANMMark is offline
A college "Creative Writing" class was asked by the professor to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:

1. Religion

2. Royalty

3. Sex

4. Mystery

The writer of the best essay would be given a bookstore gift certificate. The winning essay read:

"My God!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
__________________
Mark
NIC™ - Network Innovative Concepts - Get ready for R.A.I.N.
Protect your website from hackers NIC™ - SiteLock
 
 
 


Old
  Post #38 (permalink)   08-11-2005, 06:02 PM
HD Wizard
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,628

Status: ANMMark is offline
It was the first day of school and a new student named Toshiba, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered fourth grade.

After greeting the class, the teacher said, "We'll begin by reviewing some American history. Who was it that said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me death'?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "That was Patrick Henry, 1775," the boy said.

"Now," said the teacher, ""who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, Toshiba was the only student to respond. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

Turning to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" demanded the teacher.

Toshiba raised his hand. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."

"Who said that?" the teacher said.

Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student shouted, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my d***."

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
__________________
Mark
NIC™ - Network Innovative Concepts - Get ready for R.A.I.N.
Protect your website from hackers NIC™ - SiteLock
 
 
 


Old
  Post #39 (permalink)   08-11-2005, 06:09 PM
HD Wizard
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,628

Status: ANMMark is offline
It was reported that Monica Lewinsky, depressed about media comments regarding her figure, and wanting a new image, underwent plastic surgery for removal of her love handles.

Two days after the surgery, she emerged with no ears.
__________________
Mark
NIC™ - Network Innovative Concepts - Get ready for R.A.I.N.
Protect your website from hackers NIC™ - SiteLock
 
 
 


Old
  Post #40 (permalink)   08-11-2005, 09:14 PM
HD Management Staff
 
Artashes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 9,720

Status: Artashes is online now
Quote:
Originally Posted by ANMMark
A college "Creative Writing" class was asked by the professor to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:

1. Religion

2. Royalty

3. Sex

4. Mystery

The writer of the best essay would be given a bookstore gift certificate. The winning essay read:

"My God!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
 
 
 


Old
  Post #41 (permalink)   08-12-2005, 08:47 AM
HD Wizard
 
ldcdc's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Ploiesti
Posts: 3,112

Status: ldcdc is offline
Good ones Mark! Thanks for the laugh!
 
 
 


Old
  Post #42 (permalink)   08-12-2005, 02:14 PM
HD Wizard
 
Exon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: IA
Posts: 1,020
Send a message via ICQ to Exon Send a message via AIM to Exon

Status: Exon is offline
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
__________________
John "Exon" Pinkerton
jpinkerton@exonnet.net
http://www.ExonNet.net
 
 
 


Old
  Post #43 (permalink)   08-17-2005, 10:00 AM
HD Wizard
 
Exon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: IA
Posts: 1,020
Send a message via ICQ to Exon Send a message via AIM to Exon

Status: Exon is offline
Two statues, one of a naked man, the other of a naked woman had stood in a park facing each other for hundreds of years. One day, their Fairy Godmother arrived on the scene and with a twinkle of her wand converted them both into flesh and blood people.

"You have one hour as real people to do whatever you have always wanted to do." Instructed the Fairy Godmother.
Delighted and without a moments hesitation, the two disappeared hand in hand into the nearby bushes and much rustling and giggling ensued.
After half an hour the two emerged from the bushes looking extremely pleased with themselves and making repeated exclamations of how good it had been.
The Fairy Godmother checked her watch and said, "You still have another half hour to enjoy yourselves."

The statues looked at each other like two children with a new toy. Absolutely delighted, the two turned back to the bushes, hand in hand, the male statue saying, "OK, this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop all over it."
__________________
John "Exon" Pinkerton
jpinkerton@exonnet.net
http://www.ExonNet.net
 
 
 


Old
  Post #44 (permalink)   08-17-2005, 08:48 PM
HD Guru
 
dubs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Red Sox Nation
Posts: 569
Send a message via AIM to dubs

Status: dubs is offline
Im not racial at all, and I dont really think this joke is racial, so here it goes.

What do you call a black man followed by hundreds of white people?

Tiger Woods.
__________________
Chris Willson
•Dubaro@gmail.com
 
 
 


Old
  Post #45 (permalink)   11-28-2005, 01:40 PM
HD Wizard
 
Exon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: IA
Posts: 1,020
Send a message via ICQ to Exon Send a message via AIM to Exon

Status: Exon is offline
BUMP and SHARE - thread's been dead for over 3 months! WE NEED SOME JOKES!

Quote:
A very self-important college freshman at a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

“We young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, the “wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them you arrogant little ****head!! Now, what are you doing for the next generation??"
Had to share!
__________________
John "Exon" Pinkerton
jpinkerton@exonnet.net
http://www.ExonNet.net
 
 
 
Reply
Previous Thread Next Thread


Thread Tools

New Post New Post   Old Post Old Post
Posting Rules:
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On
Sponsored By: