I have gotten in to a habit of making the most insane reasons for problems, recent themes have included "The space time continuum" or other sci-fi-esque themes. Such as:

"So why was my server slow?" (he'd set his NIC to 10Mbps-HD)
"There was a misalignment in the space time continuum" not the funniest but when you're dealing with lots of these people you have to entertain yourself somehow

I have had a new support technician say to me once "and what do you want us to do about it"

Lets just say the support technician was not with that company for much longer

I never use to be serious with my customers and as I am beginner, I cant afford to loose the customers. So, My first priority goes to my customer and then only I finish off my works. But If diarrhoea comes then I have no way.(Thank god, it hasn't come for me !)

Mate, you got to learn how to use PayPal. You can cancel the subscription and say get lost to your host (and of course get hosted by me ). CC too bad!

don't use PayPal anymore... i actually hate it. Google checkout and 2co are far better

This is a great thread. lol "We added this fee to your account because of enhanced revenue opportunities."

If any customer care reps ever tell you "Our systems are updating." Means the whole thing is crashed out and they have no idea when it is going to be fixed. I must have used that line a thousand times working for the old AT&T Wireless. Give me some time and I'll remember a whole lot more lines like this.

"Vendor issues" is another good one. It just means we screwed up and we're blaming someone else because we're tired of being yelled at on the phone.

A customer service agent actually said this to me, "Can you call back in 10 minutes, I just noticed it's pouring rain outside and my car windows are down." It was so hilarious to me I actually did call back!

"can you please come back in 20 mins" really gets the client mad sometimes!

I'd called about a service once and the guy went through a whole speech he was given. I was interested, but was still shopping around and wasn't completely thrilled with some of the terms he offered me. I thanked him and told him I'd call back if I decided to go with him. His response?

"Don't f*cking call if you're not willing to spend a little f*cking money. What a waste of f*cking time." And hung up on me. I can understand that he was probably working on commission or had a quota to meet, but I had his name, so he could get credit if I called back. That kind of attitude and service though? I never did.

Interesting attitude there. Getting paid per closed sale, can put some pressure on people, maybe even a bit too much, depending on his specific financial needs. But that's bad.

Which it's good you could recall, but most people probably don't, and each time someone closes the conversation without buying, the salesman gets only an x% chance of actually earning anything from that time he has already invested.

A few things to never say to your customer, Refrain from being insulting to them or put it in much more polite terms

Hahaha some funny replies in here.

Here's one you'll love. I know a guy who would pretend the problem was real difficult and would say to his customer, "Do you mind if I place you on hold while I research this." Then he would put the person on hold go outside for a smoke and almost ten minutes later he would go back to his desk tell the customer the problem was fixed. He got written up for that when he got caught.

I remembered another one. I once had a guy tell me that "contrary to popular belief, the customer is 'not' always right, and that I was wrong." Unfortunately for him, I 'was' right and the manager I asked to be transferred to agreed with me, too. Even if the customer 'is' wrong, that's not the kind of attitude to approach it with....it makes for a very unhappy customer.